Archive for May, 2010
Necrosis
Pre-ramble:
I was rummaging around in the pantry off the galley, you know, looking for a snack to go with the movie I’m about to review. After sorting through the cans of green beans and boxes of crackers for a while I came across some old cook books hidden behind a bag of Baked Doritos: Dining with Titus Adronicus, How to Serve Man, Mrs. Lovett’s Big Book of Pies and The Donner Family Cookbook. I don’t remember buying those, so I’m a bit worried. Also my evil sidekick, Julian Lizard, has been acting a little strange lately. Say, you don’t think . . . He’s not planning to . . . Nah!
I’ll just pop in a movie. That should take my mind far from my suspicions. Oh yeah! Necrosis. That’s the ticket.
The Legend of Ol’ Goldie
Short Review:
Childhood can be rough. As adults we like to think that children live in a magical, saccharine Disney-esque world, full of singing bunnies, wonder and magic. This idea is a new one, historically speaking, fostered by the purveyors of Happy Meals and children’s entertainment. In reality, children live in a world of horror and loneliness, just like the rest of us. We may not admit it, but subconsciously we all know. Oh, we try to cheer them with sugary breakfast cereal shaped like Shrek or a shiny new bike made by other children in a Chinese sweatshop. We want to lighten the pain, though we cruelly denying them the alcoholic beverages and pills that make adult life tolerable.
The Burrowers
Pre-ramble:
One day, many years ago, when Captain Midnight was just a small child, I met a girl at sandbox in the park. She was like many little girls, a bit of a bossy know-it-all. As she was probably a whole year older than I, so I figured she was somebody I’d better listen to. Listen I did. She told me some pretty horrendous tales, including one about the Devil. She told me that the Devil lived underground. That seemed reasonable to me. I knew there was a devil. I’d seen him in movies. He had to live somewhere, right? Why not underground? Still, I wasn’t a total sucker. I wanted proof. She said that if I buried something and came back to dig it up later it might be gone. If it was gone, it was because the Devil took it. So we buried a marble in the sandbox. The next day she and I tried to dig up the marble but never found it. A cold chill went up my spine. The Devil had my favorite aggie! Still, I could console myself with the fact that, Prince of Darkness or not, at least he wouldn’t eat me.
Deadlands 2: Trapped
Pre-ramble:
Have you ever liked something that you shouldn’t have? Maybe it was that Volkswagen van that constantly overheated. Sure, it was a part-time job just keeping it on the road, but it was cool. Or maybe, like my Uncle Dave, you like putting peanut butter on hamburgers. What is wrong with you, Dave!?! Or maybe it’s worse still, like my lifelong sidekick Wonder Stork, who thinks that Howard the Duck is one of the best movies ever! Yes, he dragged to see that when it came out. It’s been more than twenty years since and I’m still angry about that! I’m sure that you can find examples of this, though maybe not so extreme, in your own life. I know that I can, which brings me to Deadlands 2: Trapped, a film that I enjoyed and I have no idea why.
Eel Girl
The Short Review:
I’ve seen things: wolf men, snake people, cat people, there are pig people, dogs surgically made into men, a sheep man, goat boys, and even mole people, but Eel Girl? That seems like a shocking choice. Yes, I went there. I’m aware that punning is the lowest form of humor. That’s why you’re the only person who actually reads this blog (Hi, Mom!).