Piranha 3D (2010)

You're gonna need more tartar sauce

Piranha 3D Yeah! Another remake!  I have very vague memories of the original.  I seem to recall seeing it on HBO or something but I don’t think that I made it all the way through the movie because I found it boring and lame. I dunno.  I never revisited it.  So my feelings about a “re-imagineering” of Piranha3D can be summed up in one word – “meh.”

The movie opens with an earthquake, which opens a fissure under a lake in the desert, freeing some mean prehistoric piranhas that have survived in a vast aquatic cave that lies beneath the lake — just in time for spring break!  Boobies and fish feeding ensue!

I’d talk more about the plot, but there really isn’t anything else to say.  Everything plays out in a very standard way.  We have vicious fish eating people. We also have some stock characters doing their stock character stuff.  You know, stock character stuff  such as yelling things like “Get out of the water!” or “Aaaaaaaaagh!”  We have a romantic subplot that we don’t care about.  We have a sleazy business guy trying to turn a buck.  We have Eli Roth stuffing his mug in yet another movie.  We have two precocious children that we hope don’t get eaten, but really I hope they do get eaten mostly because I hate precocious children.

Piranha 3D hits all the 1980s horror tropes, which makes sense since it’s not only a remake, but a love letter to the  horror schlock of that decade.  There is the nerdy Good Boy Hero (Steven R. McQueen), the Hot Love Interest (Jessica Szohr), the Sleazy Guy (Jerry O’Connell), Hero Scientist (Adam Scott) and Good Boy’s mom the Tough Sheriff (Elisabeth Shue), boobies, more boobies, and about a million stupid looking killer fish, oh, and also more boobies.  Seriously.  About half of the movie is just this side of a Girls Gone Wild video.  I never thought I would ever get bored with boobies, but I did.  Just as I was about to start looking impatiently at my watch, the fish fun finally started in earnest.

When the fish feeding starts, I found myself cheering on the fish.  Go fish!  Feed! Feed! Feed, my pretties!  And feed they do!

Any bad situation, as horror movie fans know, can be made exponentially worse by adding people. That maxim has never been more graphically depicted that it is here.  Fish nibbles plus stupid humans equals an epic blood bath.  Ever see Dead AlivePiranha 3D is on that level of super gory and just as campy.  Several times in the movie I found myself laughing while involuntarily covering my mouth with one hand and saying “Oh, my god!!” and “Yes!”  Honestly, the amount of blood is simply mad.

As I mentioned, the CGI is not great.  It’s a definite step up from a horrible made for SyFy movie but not as good as should be for a film with a wide theatrical release. There are some top-flight makeup and practical effects topped with literally dumpsters of blood.  Aside from boobies, hell fish and extreme overboard violence is there anything else?  Yeah, Jerry O’Connell as Sleazy Guy, who is making a “Girls Gone Wild” sort of video, is totally entertaining.  Ving Rhames makes an appearance as a tough guy cop, Christopher Lloyd and Richard Dreyfuss also have fun cameos.  There are also a couple of annoying kids, who sadly don’t get eaten.

Piranha 3D felt a little padded and I’m not just talking about the breast implants.   I will say that it was more fun than the two recent Transformers movies –  like the two Transformers movies – I’ll probably never watch it again.

WTF moment: A piranha finds a CGI penis drifting in the water and eats it, then barfs it back up.  Yeah!

Fun Fact: Piranha 3D was edited by Baxter, who clearly has come a long way from his humble start staring in Meow Mix commercials.

Note: I did NOT see this in 3D.  I hate 3D.

Steven R. McQueen
Jessica Szohr
Jerry O’Connell
Elisabeth Shue
Adam Scott
Brooklynn Proulx
Sage Ryan

Alexandre Aja

Pete Goldfinger
Josh Stolberg

Two of five Vincents

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