The Hen Who Saw The Future


Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces!  All Equally Doomed!

Aries: 3/19 – 4/19
Things get hot in an unexpected way as your ruling planet, Planet X, is brutally mugged by a three-headed flying monster from space who tries to wreak havoc on your civilization by smashing water generators.  What does that mean?  You need to beware of Aquarians; they are naturally shiftless and will try to undermine you, many of them are actually robots and want to harvest your organs.

Your lucky numbers: 3, 7 and ®

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
The Moon visits your sign, much like old Aunt Flo, and with similar implications.  Instead of becoming cranky and wanting to eat chocolate, greasy chips, and my immortal soul, you long to chase Evelyn Ankers across the fog shrouded moors.  This comes as a relief to me, since you will not become my ex-wife, but only a lycanthrope.  This fate can be prevented by making a salve of worms and taco sauce.  Rub it into your hair.  Good to go.

Your lucky numbers: 0, 0, and another 0

Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Your 5th House is broken into by a retrograde Pluto.  He’ll take your VCR and pawn it to satisfy his addiction to heroine.  Pluto’s a punk.  The real concern here is that you actually have a VCR.  Seriously?  Are you thinking that VHS will do to DVD and Blu-Ray what it did to BetaMax back in the day?

Your next door neighbors are zombies.

Your lucky numbers: -2, H, and 8008

Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
You’re a cancer; how horrible is that?  I’m joking.  You probably get that all the time, don’t you?  Personal conflict arises at work.  By the end of the week the struggles end, as these things inevitably do, with somebody cut up into little pieces, wrapped in thick white paper and carefully placed in a deep freezer unit bound for China.  Wear something cheerful and stain resistant on Friday.

Your lucky numbers: 8, 16, and 2.99 per lbs

Leo 7/32 – 8/22
Saturn and Mercury enter your 11th House of Clubs.  No, you are not going to win a new car, but there is a very good chance that you will be stalked by a satanic 1969 Lincoln Continental Mark III with no driver. Make sure your car insurance is paid up.

Keep personal drama to a minimum this week. A sense of humor will help keep things in perspective, even as you are being ran down my a large nondescript black sedan with smoked glass and no plates.  Find sanctuary on hallowed ground.

Your Lucky numbers: 4, 44, 444, carrot

Virgo 8/23 – 9/20
You have an overwhelming desire to punch somebody.  I advise you to resist.    Last night, you received a massive, but not lethal does of gamma radiation which mutated the bacteria in your stomach in to a sort of bio-nanite colony that responds to your emotions.    Sure, that sounds like it might be a seriously imposing superpower but it’s not.  If you grow very angry the bio-nanites will respond by firing your internal organs from your mouth in a spray of bloody, chunky gore. Choose your time wisely.

Your Lucky numbers: 911

Libra 9/23 – 10/ 22
Mars is in your 7th House and Neptune is all up in your grill.  Like Virgo, you’ll be sorely tempted to apply the big harm to those vexing you.  I suggest that you start your day all this week with a big Irish coffee.  If you must drive to work, wait until you get there before imbibing.  If you don’t like Irish coffee, drink a couple shots of Death Green Night Time Cold Remedy (You know the one).

Wear a hockey mask on casual Friday.

Your Lucky Numbers: 30 ml x2

Scorpio 10/ 23 – 11/21
A stitch in time saves nine.  This means you should take extra care in hiding the evidence of your grave robbing.  A stray finger in the candy dish on the coffee table isn’t going to go unnoticed by certain guests, so be a little more orderly.

Also, don’t wear your “lady skin swim suit” to the beach.

Your Lucky numbers: 6 feet under

Sagittarius 11/ 22 – 12/ 21
You’re making the social rounds this week.  Expect an invitation to dinner.   I know that this may be new territory for you and you may experience some anxiety.  You’ll be able to bring a guest. Choose somebody who can show how to use a drinking glass or make polite conversation.  Your cat-like posture and “Rock Dance” will be big winners.  Rowr.

Lucky numbers: I’m not good at science.  We need to find a person who knows how to do science. We need somebody like a Park Ranger, but instead of being good at walking in the woods, he’d be good at science.


Capricorn 12/ 22 – 01/ 19
You want to be around other people.  At first, you’ll be a little more outgoing and chatty, but that won’t be enough.  No.  You will become desperately afraid of solitude, so much so that you’ll start going door to door just to meet new people once you’ve exhausted your usual circle of friends and family.

Consumed by a longing for companionship that cannot be filled; you buy bus and airline tickets, not because you want to see the sights of New York or Paris, but because it affords you the comfort of a captive companion for the duration of the travel.

Eventually you’ll kidnap an elderly couple from a nursing home in Toledo and imprison them in a spare room.

Your Lucky numbers: Anything but one, the loneliest number.

Aquarius 01/20 – 02/18
Aries is on to you.  The sooner your deal with it that better.  I know that you like to keep a low profile, but there are times, such as this week, where caution is best thrown to the wind.  Besides, the market for the organs you’ll harvest is at historic highs.

Your Lucky numbers: 666

Pisces 02/19 – 03/20
The world is a big pile of jumbled pick-up sticks, a festering mountain of misery and disorder whose churning chaos keeps you up at night.  At least you’re spending your waking hours wisely.  The base experiments you’ve been beavering at until the small hours for the last several years pay off.  No, you’ve not found a way to make an army of atomic supermen, but you have discovered an entirely new flavor. It tastes like a carbonated version of the color pink.

Your Lucky numbers V, 3, Cactus.


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